What Really Grinds My Gears…   2 comments


 

Taylor Swift has a new album out.  I know this because my mom drops off old copies of People magazine whenever she sees me and I read them.  Yep, I said it.  I read People magazine.  Go ahead and take a few minutes to laugh at my expense or take the extra step and send an email questioning my masculinity and come on back and continue reading.

In the last issue I read a piece on Taylor Swift and her new album filled with her self-written songs of heartache and broken relationships.  The article talked about how strong of a young woman she is to not only continue on through such heartbreaks but to be able to put them into words, especially after dealing with the embarrassment that came from the Kanye West debacle in September of 2009.

Warning:  This is about to take a Peter Griffin “You Know What Really Grinds My Gears” turn.  A teenage girl has some heartache and is strong for “continuing on”?  In high school I had a girl tell me she wouldn’t date me because she “needed some sort of looks in a relationship” and I managed to not jump off a cliff.  Where was my People photo shoot?  Actually, that makes sense…a kid who was too ugly to date is most definitely too ugly to appear on the cover of a magazine. 

But seriously, I am supposed to feel sorry for Taylor Swift for having her heart broken by John Mayer – the same John Mayer that has privately used and publicly dumped Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, and countless others?  How naïve can someone be to think that wouldn’t turn out poorly?  People is applauding Taylor for falling into the “good girl who thinks she can change a bad boy” role that has plagued women for centuries, just ask Kelly Taylor about alcoholic millionaire Dylan McKay or Kelly Kapowski about NBC star and pot smoker Johnny Dakota (“There’s no hope with dope” – thanks SBTB gang).  Joe Jonas wasn’t the wholesome knight in shining armor you thought he would be?  You’re right, a former Disney star has never grown up to be something other than the chastity-loving model citizen the network made him or her out to be (see Spears, Britney; Aguilera, Christina; Cyrus, Miley; Hudgens, Vannesa; and Timberlake, Justin).  Who would’ve thought guys usually aren’t exactly what they claim to be on the first few dates?  Like Van Wilder said, “first dates are interviews” and most people are out to make themselves look as desirable as possible.  I told my wife that, despite what the inside of my car looked like on our first date, I was not a messy person.  Guess what?  I’m probably one of the messiest people you will ever meet.  Just a warning if you are planning on trying to date the likes of Dave Coulier (he’s not really like Uncle Joey, just ask Alanis Morissette) in the future, T-Swift.

 So, in conclusion, if we are going to appreciate Taylor Swift, let’s do so for her musical talents and the fact she has managed to be a famous young woman that has avoided rehab and sex tapes instead of her ability to get over failed attempts at romance with guys she is too attractive for anyways. 

Oh, and I was totally not too ugly to date.  And that girl had way too much gum in her smile anyways…just saying…

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2 responses to “What Really Grinds My Gears…

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  1. i like it diesel. not only did you mention johnny dakota, but also worked in the gum-to-tooth ratio. fucking dolphin teeth.

  2. Fantastic article…I couldn’t think of a better way to start off a Monday than with the following points from the article:

    1. John Mayer is a douche bag (I can’t stress this enough).

    2. Joey Gladstone was not the friendly park ranger everyone thought he was (and actually had Alanis before People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Ryan Reynolds, did – there’s definitely a potential Jesse & the Rippers song in there somewhere.

    3. Kelly Taylor was awesome, but had a huge soft spot for degenerates (see Robbins, Colin of nose candy fame)

    Great job, Joe. You hit the trifecta this morning.

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