Archive for the ‘Alanis Morissette’ Tag

What Really Grinds My Gears…   2 comments


 

Taylor Swift has a new album out.  I know this because my mom drops off old copies of People magazine whenever she sees me and I read them.  Yep, I said it.  I read People magazine.  Go ahead and take a few minutes to laugh at my expense or take the extra step and send an email questioning my masculinity and come on back and continue reading.

In the last issue I read a piece on Taylor Swift and her new album filled with her self-written songs of heartache and broken relationships.  The article talked about how strong of a young woman she is to not only continue on through such heartbreaks but to be able to put them into words, especially after dealing with the embarrassment that came from the Kanye West debacle in September of 2009.

Warning:  This is about to take a Peter Griffin “You Know What Really Grinds My Gears” turn.  A teenage girl has some heartache and is strong for “continuing on”?  In high school I had a girl tell me she wouldn’t date me because she “needed some sort of looks in a relationship” and I managed to not jump off a cliff.  Where was my People photo shoot?  Actually, that makes sense…a kid who was too ugly to date is most definitely too ugly to appear on the cover of a magazine. 

But seriously, I am supposed to feel sorry for Taylor Swift for having her heart broken by John Mayer – the same John Mayer that has privately used and publicly dumped Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, and countless others?  How naïve can someone be to think that wouldn’t turn out poorly?  People is applauding Taylor for falling into the “good girl who thinks she can change a bad boy” role that has plagued women for centuries, just ask Kelly Taylor about alcoholic millionaire Dylan McKay or Kelly Kapowski about NBC star and pot smoker Johnny Dakota (“There’s no hope with dope” – thanks SBTB gang).  Joe Jonas wasn’t the wholesome knight in shining armor you thought he would be?  You’re right, a former Disney star has never grown up to be something other than the chastity-loving model citizen the network made him or her out to be (see Spears, Britney; Aguilera, Christina; Cyrus, Miley; Hudgens, Vannesa; and Timberlake, Justin).  Who would’ve thought guys usually aren’t exactly what they claim to be on the first few dates?  Like Van Wilder said, “first dates are interviews” and most people are out to make themselves look as desirable as possible.  I told my wife that, despite what the inside of my car looked like on our first date, I was not a messy person.  Guess what?  I’m probably one of the messiest people you will ever meet.  Just a warning if you are planning on trying to date the likes of Dave Coulier (he’s not really like Uncle Joey, just ask Alanis Morissette) in the future, T-Swift.

 So, in conclusion, if we are going to appreciate Taylor Swift, let’s do so for her musical talents and the fact she has managed to be a famous young woman that has avoided rehab and sex tapes instead of her ability to get over failed attempts at romance with guys she is too attractive for anyways. 

Oh, and I was totally not too ugly to date.  And that girl had way too much gum in her smile anyways…just saying…

Advertisements

World Premier…   4 comments


Let me start this off by saying that I love my wife.  She’s an amazing woman who does things on a daily basis that impact others’ lives in ways I can only dream about.  Having said that, on occasion she also does things that leave me shaking my head in confusion.  This story is one of those instances and the premier of “S#*% My Wife Does That I Don’t Understand”.  (Disclaimer:  If she ever had time or the desire to write anything like this about me, she would have enough material to fill a 12 volume set.)

As anyone who read my last post knows, we had a furnace put in this past Friday.  Our utility room where the furnace is housed is also home to a good amount of random crap.  My wife, being the considerate person she is, cleared out the room so the workers could easily move around.  In doing so, she also disturbed some of the uninvited guests we’ve had come into our warm house from the cold outdoors through the backyard access door in that room.  As I later found out when I noticed what appeared to be a slow moving black golf ball with legs on our bedroom wall, one of these guests was apparently the spider from the wine cellar scene in Arachnophobia.  With the string of obscenities that flew from my mouth, she woke up in a panic and asked what was wrong.  I told her about the spider and she casually responded, “Oh yeah, I saw that thing earlier.  It was in the towel under the litter box.  It ran into the bedroom after I screamed.  I looked it up online and I think it’s some sort of wolf spider or something.”  Phew, good thing Al Gore invented that internet and thanks for the creation story of the tyrannosaurus rex arachnid twenty feet away from where we sleep, honey.  The part I failed to catch was where you stepped on it with your shoe instead of welcoming it to kill us in our sleep.

I don’t want to be married to Xena the Warrior Princess or anything, but is killing a spider that tough?  Maybe I am asking to have my cake and eat it too here, but when I’m home, feel free to act like you’re really scared and let me get all Rambo/Boba Fett on insects 1/100th my size, but when I’m not around throw on some Pink/Alanis Morissette angry woman music and channel your inner G.I. Jane/Ellen Ripley/Chun Li/Sarah Connor and take care of business.  You are the same girl who took a softball off the face, picked up the tooth from the infield dirt, and tried to reinsert it into your gums with your only fear being the possibility of looking like a carnie for the rest of your life.  You walk a half mile through Hyde Park’s finest dimly-lit streets each day for work.  Next time, just smush (not Jersey Shore style) the bug and move on.  Also, the beef in the chilli last week was a little dry…just saying…