Archive for the ‘Health’ Tag

Aaaaand We’re Back…   1 comment


So for those of you who do not know, my wife is pregnant with our first child.  She is due October 17th and we won’t know the sex of the baby for quite some time.  Over the years I have taught myself to take things as they come and never get too excited one way or another about things as they occur.  Because of this, the magnitude of our first pregnancy and everything it entails did not set in until our first doctor’s appointment.

Even as we entered the women’s health office at the hospital, it all just seemed like a normal visit to any doctor’s office.  I was remarkably calm as I knew this would be one visit where there was absolutely no chance of me getting any shot or having to turn and cough as a doctor skipped the dinner portion of our date.  I sat down while my wife checked in and located the nearest ESPN Magazine and started reading.  My wife’s name was called by a friendly-looking, elderly female nurse in bright pink scrubs and as we made our way through the maze of exam room hallways to her room my main concern was whether Iowa was going to upset Michigan State in the Big Ten Tournament match up that afternoon.  Then that sweet, grandma-like nurse opened the door to the room…

Now, I’ve been to plenty of doctors’ offices as during my childhood I was rushed to see Dr. Curtin and his endless supply of antibiotics anytime I sniffled.  This was NOT a normal exam room.  The first thing I noticed was the size of the room – it was about the size of my living room at home…except my living room has comfortable couches, my big fluffy recliner, and a TV.  This room had an exam table that looked like something out of a Saw movie complete with what the nurse would later define as a “crotch light”.  As we sat down, the nurse began to ask a series of questions to my wife which I tried desperately to block out as my comfort level plummeted to somewhere near the Titanic’s current location.  I turned around to look out the window and realized the windows here were like those in high-rise buildings in Chicago.  They could open, but just barely enough as to not allow any “accidents”.  Well played, hospital design team.  You all must have known that questions about things like “flow” would cause husbands to want to find the absolute closest exit, even if that was an eighth floor window.

It turns out my Irish ancestry doesn’t bring much luck as the nurse who just five minutes ago looked like she would give me a quarter if I held a door for her transformed into an interrogation officer from the Spanish Inquisition and started asking me questions, “And how is your health lately, Joseph?”  I responded with, “Other than the intense discomfort I have right now, just fine, thanks for asking.”  Apparently she and my wife share the same sense of humor as neither laughed at that zinger or the “Now, I have to ask, is ‘crotch light’ the medical and/or scientific term for that black tentacle with a light bulb sticking out from the exam table?  Or is that just a pet name you all have for it in the office?” question I followed it up with.

Nurse “crazy questions” left the room and my wife put on what had to be the most flattering (sarcasm if you couldn’t tell) peach-colored exam gown I have ever seen and proceeded to climb the beast-like exam table and wait for the doctor.  I appreciated my wife’s courage as I would not want to be anywhere near that thing despite the fact that they put pink booties on the ends of the stirrups.  I hate to break it to you, but two pieces of three inch pink cloth definitely DO NOT hide the intimidation of a mechanical exam table that looks like if it were to be touched by the cube from Transformers it would instantly take over as the leader of the Decepticons, just like the bag of candy doesn’t make the guy in the windowless van any less creepy.

The doctor came into the room and slid into “exam position” and I quickly realized that the spectator chairs were perfectly aligned with the exam table so I would have a bird’s eye view of an exam of which I wanted absolutely no sight.  With speed I haven’t shown since the last fifty yards of a high school cross country meet, I lept up and moved my chair to the head of the mechanical bull of an exam table as the doctor prepped instruments and a “wand” that, like other things in the office, seemed harmless at first but in fact ended up not being very friendly according to the faces my wife made as they were used.

Then it happened.  All the discomfort from the previous twenty or thirty minutes disappeared as a Thumper-like noise became audible (yep, you read that right…I referenced Bambi and Transformers in the same blog).  Our baby had a heart beat and strong and healthy one at that.  I held in tears like I used to do when watching Extreme Make Over: Home Edition with my roommates in college because I am an idiot and don’t like to show emotion even at amazing moments like this one.  As the doctor, the head of the evil organization known as a women’s health office now turned angel, moved things around and the picture began to change and clear up, she pointed out the arm and leg nubs along with the head of this tiny person my wife and I made.  All three of us laughed as the baby wiggled around like it knew it was on camera and wanted to show us he or she was just fine in there despite whatever craziness I had imagined earlier during the exam.  Our little one made the first three people to ever see it crack up within five seconds of seeing him or her.  I couldn’t help thinking to myself, “Touché, baby Jackson, touché…I think you and I are going to get along very well for a long time”.

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Posted March 21, 2011 by joejack7500 in Humor, Life, Marriage, Pop Culture

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